Your soul

Music For Your Soul. Direction For Your life.

By December 18, 2015 1
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The other day, in a conscious pursuit to unbury the child in me, I began flipping through old playlists (read: burned CD’s). It was the music that I listened to after my first heartache, my first sip of alcohol–the first blunt I smoked, the first time I snuck out of the house.

It is an amazing journey back to your former self. Bittersweet- as evolving from our innocence is both crucial for our survival, and yet devastating to our souls.

When the final note played, when the final string was strummed, I decided to share some of the simple lyrics from my childhood that shaped me. The ones that I think represent the everlasting themes of our lives. Or at the very least, of my life. These are the words of then, that have become the emotions of now.

“Can I handle the seasons of my life? (I don’t know)… Well I’ve been afraid of changing, ’cause I, built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, even Children get older…I’m getting older too.” -Fleetwood Mac “Landslide” 

Such a beautiful song about heartbreak, youth, and aging. Ultimately, the word “goodbye”, terrifies us. It threatens to cement our unshakeable fear of loneliness. Many times we know we shouldn’t be in relationships. Hell, we sometimes know we shouldn’t get into certain relationships but our incessant need for companionship forces us to make rash decisions. What this song taught me at an early age was that the wrong partner is the wrong partner. The wrong job is the wrong job. You have a responsibility to your heart to never be in anything  that you are only existing in, because you are afraid of being outside of it. We are all aging. If we can remember how rapidly time flies by, then perhaps we can actively choose true happiness every day–not temporary satisfaction.

“Back to the street where we began, feeling as good as love– you could, you can… Back to the street, down to our feet, losing the feeling of feeling unique. Do you know what I mean?”  -Panic At The Disco: Nine in the afternoon. 

Yeah, I know what he means. This song took me a long time to understand until I lived it. Trust me when I tell you that life is one big test to see whether or not you can hold onto your soul. I lost mine to the world of finance and in the heart of NYC. After 4 years, I had no idea who I was anymore. I was “successful” by most people’s standards, but I never felt that way in my heart. I stopped feeling like me. I stopped being me.  When I quit my job, one of the first things I did was go back home. I sat in the same backyard that I had sat in and upon the same hammock that I had rocked upon, when I was just a little girl, dreaming about this great big world. And in that moment, I felt as good as love. All the way down to my feet: Me.

“I’ll be true, I’ll be useful, I’ll be cavalier. I’ll be yours my dear, and I’ll be-long to you, if you just… let me through” Dashboard Confessional. 

and

“I’ll never let your head, hit the bed, without my hand behind it” -John Mayer

I’m unsure regarding the exact moment when romance died, but it did. I think it gave way to the age of technology when asking someone on a date, became inboxing them via Facebook. For us millennials, the 90’s were the golden years– the time of windbreakers and walk-mans, passing notes in class behind the teachers back. (Will you be my girlfriend–Circle Yes or No). This song brings me back to the first and many subsequent times that I fell in love. When it was really easy to move in and out of the emotion. When the requirements were “if he likes me back”, not whether or not he had a 401k, a promising career, and a property in the Hamptons. I miss that. I miss the honesty the comes from simplicity.

“And the waitress is practicing politics, while the business man goes to get stoned. Yes they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone”.  -Piano Man, Billy Joel. 

Whiskey. Bar smoke. Honesty. Release. Billy Joel is telling the story of our humanity. Of the individuals from all different walks of life, that stumble into a bar and give him money to play a song that will ease their incessant miseries. Rich people, poor people, it doesn’t matter…  it’s the unhappiness that exists in us all.

Because what is life? I don’t know and neither do you.  And so we’ve arrived again at the impenetrable concept of loneliness. The mad quest that we all embark on because we are certain that something on the outside will fill the void. Money? Marriage? Success or fame perhaps? I don’t think so. I’ve got this crazy idea that it’s nothing on the outside.

“I know a girl. She puts the color inside of my world. But she’s just like a maze, where all of the walls are continually changed” -Daughters, John Mayer

Me. I remember listening to this when I was really young– in middle school perhaps. When I felt my skin thickening because of everything that I was observing and absorbing within my family. I knew it would affect me then. I knew that it would shape me as an individual, later. It was around that time that I had started building a fence over my heart. It was an early realization that it would take an incredible man, a simple man, to sort through the complexity of my experiences. It was also around that time that I knew exactly what sort of parent I wanted to be. Fourteen year old Candace, already deciding upon the nature of my adult-life parenthood.

“She’s got a way about her. I don’t know what it is, but I know that I can’t live without her… She’s got a light around her, and everywhere she goes, a million dreams of love surround her. E V E R Y W H E R E” -Billy Joel. 

Everything I want to be.

As a person, as an employer,

as a friend, as a wife…

as a mother, and as a child.

Let those words be my legacy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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