Your Heart

Monogamy: Not Natural. Not Natural At All.

By September 21, 2015 2
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Okay, okay–calm down. I know that 99.9 percent of you are in love and just could never imagine yourselves EVER having sex with any person ever again other than your most perfect, loving, sensitive, doting significant other for the next 99 years– blah blah blah, take it to the comments section. However if you represent the growing percentage of individuals who would like to expand your consciousness by letting go of ideas and concepts that were planted into us by our various societies, media and religions— then this one might be for you.

Truthfully this topic came to me in an Uber ride from the lower east to the  upper-west sides of Manhattan. There was traffic, the rate was high, and so I thought the driver (for the amount that I was paying) could at the very least afford me some small talk. He was from Pakistan–cordial fellow– and he asked me a series of questions leading up to the penultimate “do you have a boyfriend?”

NOPE.

“Why not”

I suddenly looked up from the phone. I mean, what the hell, right? Why not open up to this perfect stranger about my hopes, fears, and dreams for the future? He knew absolutely nothing about me other than the fact that sudden-breaking made me nauseous, so an impromptu confessional seemed like a sweet idea.

“If you have to be with just one person for the rest of your life– 25 feels like a really young age to get started” I replied, staring out of the window and mentally visualizing my Facebook mini-feed which was fast becoming a dump site for engagement and pregnancy announcements.

“Yeah, you Americans are so weird with that. Makes no sense”, he said matter-of-factly.

He then explained to me that yes, he found it to be quite frankly “odd” that Americans sit around criticizing the Muslim religion which allows for the husband to take up to 4 wives (so long as he can financially support them all) because this structure ultimately gives their wives power; they are allowed to choose the wives, and it is strictly against their religion for the husband to take on any woman without the approval of his first. It is an arrangement that is considered sacred. These wives become close friends, and should anything happen to the husband, their offspring and lives are more secure thereafter.

He went on:

“But you Americans– your men still have the affairs, tons of them behind their wives backs. Some get caught, some don’t, but they’re still happening, and you consider it more sacred to pretend it’s not. It’s like a culture of illusions”

In my constant quest to expand my consciousness and challenge previously held ideas, I immediately began taking this into consideration. Yes, affairs do happen all of the time. We have the highest divorce rate of any country, with countless affairs to blame for a lot of them. Shit, we even have entire websites and multi-million dollar businesses dedicated to discreet affairs with millions upon millions of users (I’m looking at you AshleyMadison.com), all looking to have sex with like-minded folks, so how do we then claim that monogamy is natural? Surely the numbers alone would imply that it is anything but. Can we really keep using “it was an unhappy marriage” as an excuse as to why the affairs are happening?

Of course we think we can because we go to church on Sundays, and we swear an oath in front of a priest saying otherwise so we believe we are well-positioned to criticize a religion that has, as Mr. Uber put it, taken something that was going to happen anyway, and made it sacred and regulated.

Yup. I decided right then and there that he was right. Americans are disturbingly hypocritical in their criticisms. Quite frankly, we make no sense whatsoever.

Don’t misunderstand, I do love the idea of monogamy. I think it’s a beautiful concept that if two people can truly commit to over a lifetime, is magnificent. But I’m also not foolish enough to try to transform something that I desire into something that is natural. Not everything we crave is necessarily organic.

What I did take immediate issue with was the implied sexism of the Muslim religion, however. Why is it that the man takes on 4 wives, and not the other way around– or both? This part I was unable to gel with.

But I would later discover a damned good argument for this within a reading, written by a celebrated American biologist and theorist. His writings would bend my brain like a pretzel, forcing me to question everything.

He suggests that there are biological differences that make the wants and desire of men and women very different, and there is irrefutable evidence all around us to support this truth.

If you’re not already canceling your Uber account and damning me to hell– click here to see why monogamy is more natural for women