Your Mind

I’m Bored, Let’s Play “Political Devil’s Advocate”: In Defense of The Donald (Part 1)

By February 14, 2016 1

Call me deranged. Call me inbred. Call me crazy. Just don’t call me a Trump supporter.

This is not an endorsement as much as it is a game of devil’s advocate.

Every candidate in the 2016 field has supporters, few or many. Each and every one of those voters has a reason-rational or otherwise- why their candidate should captain the USS America.

But why would someone possibly vote for a notoriously loony, vitriolic, nest-haired ass like the Donald, you ask?

The potential reasons are ample, and they are:

1) You are a HUGE fan of The Apprentice

We all have a power-hungry alter ego inside of us. You hear it bemoaning your 9-to-5 position in the Occupy Cubicle movement. It reminds you that you deserve more, better. You deserve nothing less than world domination. You deserve to be the boss. Mostly because being the boss means you get to do this.

Bosses make their own schedule. To the ultimate boss, job security is a figment of imagination. Be honest, you wouldn’t mind the Lear Jet either.

Donald Trump is the walking, breathing, bloviating manifestation of all of our inner ambition, love him or detest him. And The Apprentice is his way of telling the world, “My bank account is bigger than my balls, and they’re both phenomenal!”

If you find yourself identifying with The Donald and you’re not completely sure why, consider that your deep seated desire to fire vulnerable underlings may be the reason. You liked him on The Apprentice, so the next logical step is to elect him as our nation’s president, right?

2) You’re ACTUALLY Tired of the Same Old, Same Old

How many politicians have looked us squarely in the face and told us that they are not like those professional bickerers in Washington, D.C.? Really, they’re not, they swear. Just give them your vote, you will see just how different they really are! Syke, idiots! You just got duped into four years of slimy, writhing, 100% pure American politician! When are we going to learn, America?

For all of the things you can accuse The Donald of, being a politician ain’t one of them. It’s obvious. He doesn’t compromise. He doesn’t do back door deals selling out his constituents and backing out on his campaign promises (yet). He is wholeheartedly a believer in the stomp your feet until you get your way school of negotiation. He’s the cayenne pepper in the bland bowl of Ramen noodles that is American democracy, a shot of Febreeze in a fart-inundated room. He’s Donald Trump and he’s running for president, for christ sakes.

3)  You Love Yourself a President with Strong Lettuce

Lettuce? What does Romaine have to do with the presidency?

We are talking about his flowing, glorious, Fabio-like mop of hair, of course!

It really is a phenomenon, one of the Wonders of the World. Hockey players around the globe double over in envy when they behold The Donald’s flow. In short: it’s a magnificent work of art.

It’s presence alone would force Vlad Putin to heed all of America’s demands. Perhaps it would even be responsible for North Korea opening up its borders. With great lettuce, anything is possible.

The idea is simple: elect the hair, and it will take it from there.

4) You Have an Anarchist Streak

Who does not like to see shit hit the fan every once in a while?

Most people usually would like to see this in the form of a Youtube prank video, others truly embrace the concept of Chaos Theory playing out on the grandest of stages.

If you didn’t know, there is no stage grander than the ones which reside under the feet of the presidential nominees, and it’s not like The Donald is showing any signs of scaling back the campaign/comedy show he has been leading for the past year or so.

If you enjoy a good circus then you will demand more Trump the more you watch of him. He’s like a whirling dervish, working himself up into bolder and more biting rhetoric while doubling down on entertainment as the core of his case. Maybe he is genuinely saying how he feels, acting as he normally would at home or at the office.

It is more likely that this presidential P.T. Barnum knows exactly his role as ringleader of the circus and relishes the roars from the crowd as he puts forth more daring and eye-popping marvels.

Get your popcorn ready, you’re in for one hell of a show.

5) You Support His Policies

Golf clap for you if you actually know them. Beyond the Great Wall of Mexico not many people have heard the specifics of what The Donald would do regarding foreign or domestic policy. All we know is, it’s going to be phenomenal. All of it. Just like his business. It’s huge. It’s phenomenal.

Sure, he will likely have to go into more depth if and when he moves on to the next stages of the race for the White House, but as of now we assume his policies are conservative, in general. Assuming is really all one can do when it comes to his beliefs about running the country.

Perhaps you are just a really, really, big fan of his immigration policies and his adamance that a wall needs to be built between us and our Southern neighbor. That’s your right.

If you say you back The Donald and his policies, just be ready to be challenged on it, and have some good answers. I have been paying attention, and all I know so far is that life with The Donald in charge is just going to be……phenomenal.