Your Mind

In Defense Of: Jeb Bush (Oh, what could have been)

By February 27, 2016 0

So news has come out that Jeb Bush has dropped out of the presidential race. It’s a shame, it really is. There were so many reasons to vote for the guy, and we will look back fondly on his brief, yet highly entertaining time as a POTUS hopeful.

This is why his concession does not mean he would not have made one hell of a president:

1) Just Vote for Him, Please.

It was the plea heard ’round the world.

While Donald Trump receives a standing ovation every time his hair flaps in the breeze, Jeb Bush finds himself begging his audiences for even a golf clap.

To many, it was the ultimate signal that the campaign’s pulse had finally flatlined.

Not so fast, pundits. Jeb don’t fear the reaper.

Since when do Please’s and Thank You’s equate to a loss of presidential vital signs?

Since when did a fully-evolved set of manners and a little bit of Southern graciousness disqualify a guy from the Republican nomination?

We’ll go one step further.

Jeb is fed the f*ck up with this Donald Trump guy and his complete, utter lack of respect!

Jeb loves his mother. Jeb thinks his dad is God on earth. Jeb holds the door for women. Jeb speaks only when spoken to. Quite simply, Jeb is a gentleman’s gentleman.

And if you don’t like it, you can kiss his humble white ass.

Before you do, though, please take a moment to give him your vote when the polls open.

Jeb thanks you very much.

2) He’s the “Joyful Tortoise”. No, Really.

Has there ever been a human-animal comparison more fitting than Jeb Bush and a “joyful tortoise”?

It’s not an insult, he bestowed the comparison upon himself.

Maybe Donnie Trump can remind us who won between the tortoise in the hare, it seems to have slipped my mind.

Admittedly, the tortoise of ‘Tortoise and the Hare’ fame did not have over $100 million to invest in winning his race, but the principle still stands.

As his poll numbers steadily fall, you might think this tortoise’s blood sugar is getting low, that he is a shell’s length away from defeat.

That would be a mistake. The Donald, Ted Cruz, and Marco Rubio have all yet to take their pre-finish line nap. We know how this story ends.

So go ahead, Donald, keep insulting Jeb.

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio? Age is just a number, and the doctor says Jeb’s T-count is off the charts.

Most importantly, at the end of the day, people like turtles. Jeb is the joyful tortoise. So really, people have no choice but to like Jeb. It’s science.

3) Nobody Likes a Bully, or Being Bullied

Just as it is true that Donald Trump is the human manifestation of all of our inner assholes bosses, Jeb Bush represents the other end of that boss-employee exchange.

He is Joe Downtrodden, trying to get ahead as a guppy in a world of Great Whites.

Maybe you don’t relate to being stuffed in a locker or to being the last kid picked in kickball. Perhaps you have never been the boss’ personal lackey. That doesn’t mean you can’t throw some change at the neighborhood hobo once every couple months.

It sounds mean, but right now Jeb is the neighborhood hobo of the presidential race.

You can be the CEO who believes that hard work cures all ills. You can be a pillar of strength, manliness, and all things Alpha.

But if you have just one single shred of compassion in your body, you are starting to feel a bit bad for Jeb at this point.

It’s been a rough few months for the youngest Bush, I think the least we can do is throw him some change, perhaps even a vote if you are feeling philanthropic.

Don’t look now, but he might even be showing signs of life:

4) It’s About Time a Bush Caught a Break

We talked about it when giving you some pretty compelling reasons to vote for Bernie.

White guys are inexplicably underrepresented in the American political scene, I don’t think anybody would argue with that.

If there is one family that seems to typify this lack of diversity in politics it is the Bush clan. When are these guys going to catch a break?

All we seem to hear is Clinton, Obama, Sanders, Clinton again. Can we get a red-blooded, white-skinned conservative in office already?

The string of Democrats in office is not only a bad look for us as a nation, it is so redundant.

Old white dudes, or even youngish ones, deserve their shot. It is time. America’s history of female and minority presidents has gotten stale. Let’s shake things up.

And when I say shake things up, I mean give your vote to the man without the benefit of nepotism or political connections of any sort.

He’s his own man. He’s not beholden to wealthy fundraisers. He’s the outsider Washington needs and the American people deserve.

He’s known simply as Jeb.

Or the joyful tortoise, whichever you prefer.

5) He’s Not Donald Trump

Does it seem petty to bring Donald Trump into an article highlighting Jeb’s qualifications as a president? You could say that. You wouldn’t be wrong.

But Donald started it!

If there is one thing that the modern political landscape embraces, its pettiness. We’re not above it either.

So, we stand by the argument that the mere fact that Jeb is not Donald Trump is perhaps the most compelling argument for his election posed to date.

Can Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and even the Lib candidates argue the same thing? Sure they can.

And they would have just as compelling an argument.

The fact is, anybody but the Donald is starting to look good at this point.

But you argued for the Donald being the best candidate for the Presidency! 

That’s right. It was a game of Devil’s advocate. Emphasis on Devil.

The D-train is starting to gain so much steam that they are practically beginning construction on the Great Wall of Mexico already. This should scare you. This should frighten you to your core.

Not the wall, necessarily. But Trump in office. When you really think about it, it’s absurd.

But, there is a good chance it could become absurd reality, should we not do something to stop it.

Our proposal? Vote for Jeb.

At least he’s not Donald Trump.

Jeb 2016, what could have been……