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Political Devil’s Advocate: In Defense of Bernie (Part 2)

By February 15, 2016 0

Last name Ever. First name Greatest.

Who’s that? Bernie Sanders, just ask the members of his cult.

The man who is now recognized by his first name alone. The man with the crazy hair and the funny accent. Chuck Norris’ sensai. Bern.

Socialism will never work, critics say. America is built on principles of freedom, not fairness, they say. You’re an entitled little shit that has never had to earn a paycheck in your life, they say.

The only reasonable response: Feel the Bern, man. Feel the Bern.

Why? Here’s why:

1) It’s About Time We Had a White Male in Office

Finally, somebody says what is on everybody’s mind. When was the last time we had a white dude in the White House? It seems like the last time we saw light pigmentation up in the Presidential mansion Moses was parting the Red Sea. Old, white guys just seem criminally underrepresented in the American political landscape in general.

I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening and understanding. Bernie 2016.

2) Fair is Fair

Remember in kindergarten when Timmy brought Oreos and your mom brilliantly decided to pack carrots in your lunch pale?

In a perfect world-in a Bernie world- Timmy would give you half of his Oreos, maybe more for causing you the pain and suffering of having to stress about not having delicious Oreos for yourself. Everyone wins. Everyone’s happy.

To recap: Everyone wants Oreos, but not everybody has Oreos. It’s a problem. It’s a big problem.

Naturally, the little tikes that don’t have the Oreos- for one reason or another- aren’t going to be nearly as happy living an Oreo-less existence. A kindergarten class full of unhappy, Oreo deprived children is not a happy class. 

Sure, Timmy’s mom packed her motherly love into those Oreos and put forth the effort to pack said Oreos. Naturally she counted out just the right amount of Oreos for her little guy. Enough to satisfy his post-PB & J sugar craving but not too many to cause a tummy ache or cavities.

And, naturally Timmy is going to be pissed that he has to give up his beloved, creamy yet surprisingly chocolatey Oreos.

Timmy is such a greedy little bastard. Fair is fair.

Now, substitute Oreos for dollars.

3) We Will Forever Be Reminded of Larry David When Seeing the President

Larry David is a comedy legend, a demi-god in the annals of the art form. If you don’t like LD, you hate laughter. You hate fun. If I had to bet, I’d say you probably even hate newborn babies.

As you might have gandered, Larry David does a killer Bernie Sanders impression. The mannerisms are on point. The accent perfectly mimics the terse, Brooklyn dialect of the Bern man. Beyond that, his take on Sanders’ policies is legendary stuff (see above).

If you want to put up with anonymous Saturday Night Live cast members doing second rate impressions of Trump, Hillary or Ted Cruz for the next four years, give them your vote.

If you want four more years of Larry David and all the smiles and laughter that come with him, do the smart thing. Vote for Bernie when the polls open.

Otherwise, I’m going to have to assume you hate happiness. And newborn babies.

4) That Catchphrase!

Screenshot 2016-02-14 20.14.02

Fact: A good catchphrase is a good president.

I think I speak for everybody when I say who you vote for essentially comes down to how fun shouting their catchphrase is.

It doesn’t have to be the official campaign slogan. It can be something you put a twist on or came up with yourself.

The point is: if you can’t realistically envision a throbbing vein popping out of your forehead as you verbally hurl the line at passing cars in a way that borders on irrational anger, you can’t vote for that person. You just can’t do it.

Obama had Hope and Change. Inspiring, I guess. It clearly worked. But it doesn’t touch “Feel the Bern”.

Whether it was thoughtlessly foregoing the potholder or spending the night unprotected with the local floozy, we have all-at one point or another- felt the Bern. It’s relatable.

Three syllables. Feel. The. Bern. It’s quick, it rolls off the tongue quicker than rain off of a tin roof. “Make America Great Again”? 8 syllables? Pshh. Good luck spitting that line out before the light turns green and that Prius with the Bernie sticker zips off….quietly. On that note, good luck with the whole presidency thing, Donnie Boy. With that catchphrase you’re going to need it.

Many people have pondered what, exactly, is in a name. In Bernie’s case, the letters B, E, R, and N are in his name. You know what that spells? Bern. And you’re going to feel it, like it or not.

5) Free College, Duh!

What’s the one commonality among millions of Americans. Here’s a hint: it keeps them up at night and is a financial burden more overwhelming than triplets. Guess it yet? It’s student debt.

Bernie, much like his brethren Gandalf and Dumbledore before him, has magical powers. His strongest power: the ability to bestow free shit upon the masses.

The one word that immediately gets it up. The word that gets our budgetary juices flowing. The one word greater than sex. Free.

I mean what am I missing? The dude is legitimately a magical being. Never before has the gift of creating free stuff out of nothing but oxygen and a little bit of carbon dioxide been seen. At least not since Jesus.

And these Republicans and Hillary supporting robots want to pass up the chance to vote for a real-life wizard?

Imagine a world free of student debt. Free of life-long games of catch me if you can with creditors. Fat free. Gluten free. 

Wouldn’t it just be wonderful?

Well, you can have it all, free of charge!

How, you ask?

Step right up to the voting booth and check the box next to Sanders, Bernie. Seriously, it’s that easy. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your free shit.