Your Mind

Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome: Are You Infected?

By December 29, 2015 1

There’s an epidemic that’s sweeping the masses.

It’s everywhere.

It’s inescapable.

Don’t even think about hiding because it lurks in the most unlikely of places: on the public buses, in your classes, or even in your friend’s home. The most alarming part? You could be suffering without even knowing.

In the past it was believed that only the older generation could fall victim, but as we’re finding out, Millennials are also being infected by the millions.

I’m speaking, of course, about Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome.

You are likely (and rightfully) feeling apprehensive now that you know of this terrible malady. After all, your loved ones could be suffering from it right under your nose. It is best to become educated on the matter as to not spread the disease further. The symptoms are as follows:

Stage One: You may start to feel a sense of superiority over your Millennial counterparts. You will feel as though they just don’t understand what “good” music is, that they’re all spineless robots, or that they’re just not as good as previous generations were. But not you. You’re an exception.

Stage Two: You go into full-on hipster mode as you delete your Facebook account and any other of your popular social media handles because they’re “taking away this generation’s ability to socialize.” You start to believe that anything new or innovative is destroying society.

Stage Three: Denial. When confronted about your withdrawal from the Millennial culture, you retort with something along the lines of, “I’m just living my life!!!” You don’t believe you have a problem. The whole of Generation Y is the problem. They’re ruining the human race. You go back to listening to your Simon and Garfunkel vinyl to drown out the ruckus, while everyone else listens to their shitty plebe noise.

Stage Four: In the final stage, you will have hit the point of no return as rapid aging sets in. You may feel the urge to purchase a rocking chair and sit in it out on your front lawn as you puff on your corn cob pipe, whilst you reminisce about The Good Old Days. Other Millennials will anger you with their loud pop music and their socializing as they walk by. Finally, in a fit of uncontrollable rage you shake your fist and yell, “GET OFF MY LAWN YA DAMN KIDS.”

Unfortunately no vaccine or any amount of hand-washing will stop this atrocious plague. Do not fret, however, because there is in fact a solution. I speak from experience because I myself used to suffer from Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome. I overcame it by visiting my doctor and being prescribed two daily 30mg doses of Get-Off-Your-Fucking-High-Horse-And-Quit-Your-Baseless-Whining-You-Smug-Asshole. It worked like a charm and I can say with confidence that I am back to myself.

If you suspect that you or a friend are experiencing symptoms, it’s not too late to get help. It can be daunting confronting such an epidemic, but together we can fight Get-Off-My-Lawn Syndrome.


  • Durandal

    Thankfully I don’t have Get off My Lawn syndrome. Now that I’ve turned 30 I’ve got “Fuck You, Got Mine” syndrome.