Your Mind

A Thank You To Elite Daily For The Shittiest Article of 2016

By January 12, 2016 1
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Dear Paul (and the outstanding editorial staff over at Elite Daily),

I generally don’t take the time to do this, but I feel obligated to thank you for the profound perspective your article gave me at a crucial point in my life. As a single, twenty two year old woman, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in a relationship, and if I want to be in one at all- I didn’t think that there was a concrete answer to these questions, but your article has given me serious clarity. It made me realize I’ve been going about this all wrong, focusing on what type of relationship would help me grow as a person and would allow me to give just as much back to. Now that I’ve been properly educated (who knew a college degree would be so useless!), I feel relieved that all I have to do is follow your four simple guidelines to making an undesirable romantic partner happy.

Can I just say that your title is spectacular? Not only do I yearn to be the “good girlfriend” that you so magnanimously speak of, but I also appreciate your apt recognition of the type of standard every woman should hold within her relationships: to date a man who has no idea what he wants. You mean I get to have all that confusion and resentment and chaos, and just for being a good girlfriend? Talk about a jackpot!

I was also interested to learn that men have simpler needs than plants. Fuck and Feed- that’s it? Are you sure you don’t need a little light and water? Maybe I’ll be able to keep my boyfriend alive better than that pot of basil I massacred last week.

Back to your piece, though.

Thank you for reminding me to be kind and considerate.

Although I would argue that this is just a benchmark goal for humans, it makes a lot more sense when you put it in the context of making “my man’s” life easier. Kindness and compassion are wasted energy unless they’re siphoned towards both my and my boyfriend’s shared goal of keeping him happy. I originally thought that negativity towards my relationship was unhealthy for me, but it has become that much more important for me to remain positive now that I know how it relates to loving my man properly.

Good tip about keeping the sex spicy.

Half of his survival requirements are fulfilled through this! Is there a way I can feed him while fucking him, in order to expedite the nourishing process?

I had no idea how important it was for me to be my man’s compass.

This was the most enlightening part of your post, especially the direct correlation between male ambition and ego. It explains so much about where I’ve had trouble in my previous relationships! I used to think that humility could be directly tied to work ethic, so you’ve certainly opened my eyes. I have a feeling my next shitty relationship will last much longer now that I know I’m supposed to break my boyfriend’s fall every time his ego becomes so detrimental that it makes him literally tumble down a mountain. Thanks to your post, I won’t waste any time with that “learn from your mistakes” crap- I’ll just dust myself off and lie back down to prepare for the next tumble.

If I had known earlier that one of my responsibilities in my relationships was to be the compass, it would have saved so much time and energy for me, which I had been primarily been using to find people with a brain and a heart. Now I don’t need to be that picky! I can dress him, pick his friends and choose his job- as long as I remember to fuck and feed him, am I right?!

Are you serious? Can I actually just be me?!

This seems like a trick. You’re saying that I’m allowed to be myself around the person I get naked with? Before we get married? But what if he hates me because I’m a woman? I would really appreciate if you posted a follow-up that goes in depth on this section more.

Thank you so much for everything you’ve done here. As the go-to dating and love man for Elite Daily, it is a serious relief that young women everywhere have you for guidance on their place in romantic relationships.